Allie's 1st Halloween!!

Today was Allison's first Halloween, and as fun as it was I wish it would of been a little different. No i wouldn't of taken her "trick-or-treating", but it would of been better. Her daddy could of been part of it. Her brothers could of seen her, and i could of seen them. I am so thankful for what i have and how far we have come but it is still hard to do some of her "first" here. Also Saturday was Allison's due date. I wasn't sad, i was depressed. I didn't think it would of bothered me, but i was bothered. I was bothered on how this has happen. When i prayed for Allie i never in a million years expect this to happen. Not that me staying on best rest would of helped, but if it would of i would stay on bed rest for 40 weeks, just to not go through this. These past 3 months have been the BEST and WORST days of my life. They were the best because, Allie was born and she survived, I got to watch her grow and thrive, and the main reason is because i am now a mother. They were the worst because, Allie was born early and had to go through more than any baby should ever have to go through, i had to sit her and watch her struggle and fight for her life, i had to do it ALL alone, i missed a lot of stuff at home. But no matter what i went through is nothing compared to what she has gone through. I am proud of here each and everyday, and no matter what she goes through each day she is so happy and gets over it so fast. I know she knows no different but she has made me a better person, by watching her fight and not give up, and i am sure she could of a few times. I am still very upset at my body, i still morn the fact i didn't get a full pregnancy. I am still mad things didn't go my way. But they went God's way and his way is the best even if we don't like what he gives us. It could of been much worse than what it was and because of him and Allie not giving up it didn't. So as much as i sit back and complain bout the whole situation, deep down inside I am glad it went the way it did. And i would do it a thousand times more if it gave me ALLISON. I love her more than life its self. She is the reason i wake up and the reason i breath. So I am now perfectly fine with the way my birth plan turned to be!

Going "SHOPPING"...AKA HOME!!!!

I never thought this post was coming so soon! Allie got her feeding tube taken out this morning. She also got her oxygen taken off. Then the doctor came in for rounds and told me as long as Allie continues to gain weight and does good without oxygen, she will be going home next week!!! WHOOOO freaking HOOOOO!!!! I am so on cloud nine, i am trying not to get too excited, but thats just me i cant contain my emotions!!! I like to stay positive so that it happens!! ALL the glory goes to GOD for this wonderful miracle!!! I can't even begin to discribe the feeling of this. I am such a proud mamma, and i have the best daughter in the world. She is such a fighter, and has been since day one. I think she gets that from me!!

we are soo blessed

I sat down the other day and started looking at all the pictures of Allie. From time she was born until now. Can I just say...WOW. I have been so caught up in the moment of being a new mommy and just so happy that she was alive, that i didn't realize how bad she looked. I started crying when i looked at them all. Now i have seen the before, but on the camera. This time i sat down and viewed them from the computer, on a big screen. I never realized how black and blue she looked. Or how in some pictures ( excuse me i am just speaking what i saw) how she looked like she was dead, or heading there. I am sooo glad we have come this far. No matter how much i complain bout this NICU life. It's so much better than her not being here at all. I would do it over if i had to just to have my daughter. And now that we are approaching going home, it's all a distant memory...or sometimes a nightmare...and most of a the BIGGEST blessing i have ever been given!! I can never say the many thank you's to GOD before my life is over. So instead i will show him by being the best mother i can be. And i can so not wait to get home and do it on my own. All these wires will be gone, no nurses. No offence to you guys. Y'all are the best, and sometimes i wouldn't make it without you!!!! You have been my rock at times, but i will take with me what you have taught me!! No worries :) Oh thinking bout the day makes me want to squeal..lol i cant wait to snuggle her up when i want and walk around with her and give her an actual bath. I just CAN'T freaking wait!

and I thought...OH NO

So since Allie has been taking bottles she has done wonderful. They have upped the amount giving by bottle. They have upped how many times she was getting botles. She was her speech thearipstest star student. Then on the 4th of october i ran out of breast milk. The medicine they give to bring in your milk made me go crazy so i aint taking that again. They have an herbal thing i can take called finugreek(maybe spelled wrong), but i was told that she couldn't have milk that had it in it until she was term. So back to my story, she got put on full formula the 4th and ever since then the umpth she has on takeing bottles has went down. It all started big time yesterday, when the best nurse at feeding a baby couldn't get her to eat. She hardly took any for me lastnight and this morning she took only half. So i thought OH NO. here we go again. I thought they are going to have to stop bottles because she is not tollerating them. Robin (speech) came in this afternoon to work with her and to see what is going on. She took only 8cc's out of 30cc's!!! UGGHHH is what i wanted to say. Then we all got to brain storming! And since she has been on full formula she has went down hill on the bottles. So speech, the nurse and I came to the conclusion. She is full of poop, she hasn't pooped in 21/2 days, and that she is probably full from it all so she dont want to eat. We also talked bout not likeing the formula. So we are trying a few things and ohh how I pray that they work. 1 we are stopping her iron ( causes constipation) and giving her liquid gliserin( to make her poop, they said clean her out) and then try tomorrow. If she is better tomorrow then thats all they are going to do. But if that does not work then they are going to change her formula and also they said i can take the herb to bring my milk back in and they will just add it to the formula like they was doing!! WHOOO I feel like we dogdged a big bullet there. I was so afraid that they was going to stop her bottles and we were going to be back to square one. I am so glad that it's because she is full of poop!!!

it's getting harder to hold my head up!

I sit here everyday and listen to how good allie is doing and i watch her and i am so proud. but then i stop and look around the NICU. Allie and one other baby is the oldest one here. the other baby has more problems than allie, but all of the other babies that where here at the same time and some after her are already gone home. I know our day is coming soo soon i can see it, but it's so hard to keep your head up at times. Today was an awesome day today. she now gets a bottle every other feed and she gets a whole ounce now!!! but she is also getting tired with her bottles. the nurse tonight wont help me try to feed her she just says "oh well she is too tired" and she is not she is trying hard. they also think her hemoglobin is low which is not the greatest news ever. so i sit here and think we have all these good things that are happening and have us so close to home. but then we have bad things. i am hearing them talk outside the room about a baby that is younger than allie fixing to go home. he is about to start carseat trials. and where i hear that i get more down. I try to look at the good and trust in GOD and know that he holds it all and when he is ready it will happen, but it's so hard to sit here and wait on something you want so bad. so i ask that all of our readers pray for us. pray that allie hurries up and becomes a big girl and go home. and pray for my strenghth and peace of mind bout this all. this is the most tiring thing i have EVER done in my whole life. and i know soon it will be a distant memory and i will be home with my miracle and happy, but for now its hard!

Growning like a weed, a beautiful weed!

So Allie had a big day today!! she got taken off high flow equipment and put on regular nasal cannula! She hit 3 pounds 8ounces, for those who dont know, it's 3 1/2 pounds! She also got put in a big girl bed!! a crib, well basanet!! I am so thankful and so happy! this is 3 big steps to going home. I just pray it countinues to go up heel! I just sit here and think back to where we started from and it's so hard to believe where we are compaired to where we came from! Just proof that she is one of GOD's many miracles! :)

UPDATE!!

Allie is growing by leaps and bounds! As of today she is 3 pounds and 7 ouces!! i am so proud of her. At the same time it's bittersweet. I just thought i would share that, and to give GOD praise for letting my lil itsy bitsy do so well!!!

The best book ever!!

I know i just put a post on here, but my mom bought allie the best book ever! it's called On the Night You Were Born. I love it, the first time i read it i cried, so i figured i would share it with everyone!!

On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, "life will never be the same." Because there had never been anyone like you....ever in the world.
So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name. The sound of your name is a magical one. Let's say it out loud before we go on. It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze, over the ocean, and through the trees until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you. Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly,wonderful toes. In fact i think i'll count to three so you can wiggle your toes for me. When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn. From faraway places, the geese flew home. The moon stayed up until morning next day. And none of the lady bugs flew away. So whenever you dought just how special you are and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far, listen for geese honking high in the sky. they're singing a song to remember you by. Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. It's becasue they've been dancing all night for you. Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. Listen closely...it's whispering your name again. If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it's becasue they're all hoping to see you smile. For never in a story or rhyme not ever once upon a time has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again. Heaven blew evey trumpet and played every horn on the wounderful, marvelous night you were born.

Now isn't that the best book you have ever read?? i thought it was!!

It' hard to feed a premiee

If you have never feed a preemie let me tell you it's rough. There is so much more to it than pick the baby up and throw the bottle in it's mouth. You have to hold them on their side, give cheek and chin support and count the sucks and breaths. and you have to pace them which means make sure they are breathing between the sucks and swallows. We have been giving allie bottles now for bout 2 weeks. Majority of the time the nurses or speech therapy feed her. The past few days i have tried and have not succseded. i could not get her to take it all the way in her time limit she is givin. I was starting to get frustrated and mad, that i could not feed my own baby. I felt like a failur or a bad mom. Tonight i tried again and I DID IT!!! WHOOO i am so excited. I feel like i can check off another thing i accoplished in my mommy book!!!! :) I love being ALLIE'S mom

Hummm, I wonder??

As of yesterday Allie is 4 weeks away from her due date. I am excited, but getting nervous. I know it's never a certain, but they tell you to expect to go home around your due date. That excites me even more,but then i get to thinking that's alot for Allie to do in 4 weeks. At times i think oh she can do it. Then there is other times i think wow 4 weeks is not enough time for her to do everything that is required. It's not that i don't have faith in her and GOD. It's that i have my hopes up so bad (even though i shouldn't) and i am so afraid that we will pass the due date and i will be crushed. I am okay if we have to pass it, but like i said i have my hopes so high, and i have been trying so hard not to get set on the due date thing. But when you want to go home so bad its hard not to look at the soonest possible discharge date! I don't want to pass the due date and just hit rock bottom emotionally because i am so wore out in every way possible. I miss my husband, and my friends. I miss freedom, i mean i am by no means tied down to this place, but i cant leave my baby girl without feeling guilty. i just miss home period and i am so over the NICU. Not Allie or the nurses, but the life and the heart ache and stress. So as part of me thinks we will leave on time and the other part says no. i am okay with whatever, it just made be hard to swallow.